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Lessons Learned From Life

Stepping stones on the path of relational wisdom. 

These are some lessons I have learned from 

recovery, trauma healing, community organizing, 

and global systems change.


Below them are reflection questions 

for you to deepen your relational wisdom. 

Sandy Hinden

You Can Contact Sandy Hinden Here

1. The Foundation: Self-Awareness & Healing

  • Hurt people, hurt people.  Abused people can abuse others. 
  • Unloved people need to learn to love themselves first.
  • We heal our trauma through self-forgiveness, self-compassion, self-kindness, and self-care.
  • Don't go to the hardware store for bread.
  • Don't go to unloved, unlovable people for love.
  • Get outside. Get fresh air. Healthy relationships are the medicine.

2. Navigating Relationships with Clarity

  • Honor boundaries. Respect each person’s pace, needs, and limits — without pressure to conform, confess, or collapse their discernment.
  • "Not everyone is ready to connect" is a loving truth.
  • Detachment can be self-protection, not dysfunction.
  • Encouraging others to heal and grow is more effective than enmeshing with them. 
  • You can’t fix, change, or control others.
  • Uplift the unloved — but we protect ourselves. Be compassionate with those who are hurting, while still walking away from abuse, manipulation, or disrespect.

3. Cultivating Relational Integrity

  • Practice authenticity and integrity. Speak truthfully, even when it’s uncomfortable, and value presence over perfection.
  • Reject performative care. Do not use empathy language to mask avoidance, superiority, or emotional control.
  • Empathy language doesn’t guarantee relational maturity.
  • People can avoid connection while appearing kind.
  • Connection is a strange word used in liberal communication circles, that sounds like wires being plugged in.  We really need honesty, understanding, compassion, and kindness to have healthy relationships.  
  • Trust slowly, wisely. Understand that trust is earned, not assumed, and welcome healthy caution as a sign of intelligence, not resistance. Acknowledge red flags. 
  • Be discerning. Trust trustworthy people.
  • Have the courage to walk away from relational performance.
  • Stay human. Know we make mistakes. Repair it when we do. Keep choosing relational integrity over image — every time.

4. Protecting Ourselves in Spiritual & Social Settings

  • Beware of love bombing, spiritual elitism, and compassion with no follow-through.
  • Codependency dressed up as activism is still codependency.
  • Spiritual charm can be a mask for narcissism, manipulation, psychopathy, and sadism.
  • Gaslighting works slowly. Check in with reality, often.
  • Name harm. Be assertive. Speak up when manipulation, coercion, or spiritual elitism appear — no matter how beautiful the language or lofty the goals.

5. Building a Just and Accountable Culture

  • Stop idealizing unity. Practice authenticity and integrity.
  • World unity is a fantasy without economic justice.
  • Welcome dissent and difference. Don’t equate unity with agreement. Respect divergence as a source of wisdom.
  • Keep power visible and accountable. No hidden hierarchies. No inner circles of the “advanced.” No secrecy around money, influence, or access.

🔎 Reflection Questions

  Explore your own journey through these lived truths.

🌱 1. Relational Integrity & Discernment

  • Where in my life am I performing connection instead of practicing it?
     
  • How do I distinguish between someone who speaks kindly and someone who lives with relational integrity?
     
  • What does “authenticity” look like for me when I feel uncomfortable or under pressure?

💔 2. Trauma, Healing & Boundaries

  •  In what ways have I tried to “fix” or “heal” others instead of encouraging their self-healing?
     
  • What practices help me move from codependency to compassionate self-care?
     
  • How do I respond when someone isn’t ready to connect? Can I honor that without closing my heart?

🔍 3. Power, Control & Emotional Maturity

  • Have I ever stayed silent when I sensed manipulation, coercion, or spiritual elitism? What held me back?


  • Where in my life do I need to name harm — gently but clearly?


  • How can I better keep power visible, accountable, and transparent in the groups I belong to?

🧭 4. Trust, Caution & Wisdom

  • What are my early warning signs that trust may be misplaced?


  • How do I practice “trusting slowly” without becoming cynical or shut down?


  • What role does discernment play in how I build relationships now — compared to earlier in my life?

🌿 5. Grounding & Self-Renewal

  • What helps me stay human when I feel the pressure to be perfect, wise, or emotionally advanced?


  • Where do I go — physically or emotionally — when I need to come back to reality and truth?


  • What kinds of relationships actually nourish me? How can I create more of those?

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